Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Real UnHousewife

There comes a point in every young newlywed's life when she puts the gifts away, frames the wedding pictures she likes, and looks all around her in horror, realizing that her husband's furniture has got to go. Unless you married the heir to the Pottery Barn catalog, don't lie, you know you've been there.

I love my husband dearly. His furniture? Not so much. Several years ago, when he was moving out of the dorms and into his first apartment in Texas, someone from his shop was PCS'ing to Japan. The family had two couches that were so old and ratty, that rather than taking them with them, they decided to give them for free to the first poor sucker airman that would take them. Senior Airman TLS at your service. These couches were a red and green tartan plaid with some holes in the cushions left there by previous family's kids. These were clearly not meant to live to see many more days. They stayed with TLS for 2 years in Texas, 2 years in England after that, and now, nearly 2 more years in Germany. He still thinks that they are great couches. What can I say? I definitely married a straight man.

These couches are the bane of my existence. I don't think I need to go into all of the reasons why. They're pretty self-evident. After convincing my husband that "frat house basement chic" was not going to be an interior design trend anytime in the near future, we started looking at couches. Boy was that painful. We are not trendy, modern people. For the most part, the apartments in the CB2 catalog are my idea of hell. German couches seem to for the most part be all modular and square. And uncomfortable. And ugly. And expensive. Gotta love the exchange rate. The worst part is, that for as ugly as they are, our couches are comfortable. For this reason, my husband has had a hard time getting rid of his frat boy furniture. Then he was told he's deploying. Suddenly, spending a grand or more on a new couch when we weren't going to be around to enjoy it just didn't seem to be a priority any more. With that said, there was no way that I could possibly throw any more throws and blankets onto my couch to cover it up. So I did what any sane 20-something with insomnia and a credit card would do. I went shopping.

In case TLS wanted to make things easier on me- obviously the couches have T cushions on them. So finding slipcovers is even harder than it really needs to be. Nevermind. I persevered and found some great slipcovers which we got in the mail today.

Now I am not a crafty, DIY type of girl. Pinterest for the most part makes me shake my head. When friends say "oh you can just make that yourself," I tremble in fear. I am a putz. A big one. The words "I made it myself" are not in my lexicon, unless you're talking about dinner.

Keeping that in mind, I decided that while TLS was sleeping, I needed to put the slipcovers on the couches tonight. Because all vital home improvements happen at 1:30am. I mean- putting a slipcover on a T cushion sofa? How bad can that be? That's like Housewifing for Idiots!

About that.

This is what my couch is supposed to look like:

And this is what it actually looks like:
our walls are actually a pale yellow- I'm not sure why they photograph looking like something that came from the highlighter factory

I'm pretty sure that if there was an UnHousewife of the Year award, I'd win it hands down.


  1. Ughhh I hate these slipcovers. They look exactly like ones we used to have at the DG house in the lounge no one went in - for good reason! You need at least 2 people and a good steamer to get the wrinkles out once it finally goes on. I can't think of any other tips but it will work eventually!

  2. hysterical. this would have been my house, too. totally.

    my mom would have those babies steam ironed and in tip top shape in a second - but not me.

    maybe some double stick tape would help? i have no idea.

    you're talking to the girl who, in college, was too cheap to buy a slip cover and instead bought a fitted sheet and stapled it to the couch.

  3. Hah! We are considering slip covers as well - seriously, those German couches are SO UNCOMFORTABLE! In my husband's defense, we had zero furniture when we got married, so we did the next best thing: bought our couches off ramsteinyardsales.com (along with may other furniture items). They are prolly 10-15 years old, a pale green & beige stripped set from Lazy Boy, a little torn, but some TLC from myself can sew up most of it. But they are, no joke, the most comfortable couches ever. We can't decide if we want to keep them or not when we PCS. Oh, decisions, decisions! (I too am worried about actually getting a slip cover on without failing...)

  4. Been there. Jared has this lazy chair he loves that he will not get rid of. I said it was fine to keep but bargained that the tile top coffee table had to go. TG!

  5. ha we recently got a new couch and finally got rid of the heinous orangey-pink and navy bird couch (of his mothers!) that we had a green slipcover on for three years. The slipcover we had was stretchy and machine washable and it wasn't too bad.

  6. Girl I feel you. We just got our first "real" furniture after three years of marriage. I think you can buy some upholstry twist pins that are basically thumb tacks with a cork screw on them to hold it in the right place. Hope it helps!

  7. Oh gosh, thank goodness for living in good ol' Oklahoma and having Mathis Brothers right up the street. I don't think I could handle slip covers!!

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  9. oh lord. i am laughing so hard but i feel so bad for you. r and i havent even moved in together yet and i am already cringing over his AWFUL FURNITURE CHOICES. not a chance are they coming into my house!

  10. Almost two years later, I am still trying to get rid of the man futon that just won't disappear.