Friday, June 4, 2010

am I making a mistake?

Those of y'all who read my twitter, know that I have been crying a lot lately. While I hate to have to turn my blog and twitter into a constant stream of pity parties, there are some things that I have to get off my chest.

It seems that the closer we get to the move, the more and more depressed I get. I love TLS dearly and know that he is the man for me. But I am giving up a lot for him and am not happy about it. Last night I got an invitation for a  sorority sister's baby shower. This is the first event I've been invited to that I have had to say no to because I'm moving. Despite the fact that I despise baby showers and generally prefer not to go to those anyways if possible, I sat in my bed and cried for a long time. This is the start of me being phased out of my friends' lives and missing things. I have been crying every night it seems and am not sleeping well because of it. I realize that there are many positive aspects to this move, but lately, all I can focus on is all of the negative stuff.

Plus, at the end of the day, he has a job, and I will be starting over completely new, not knowing how to drive, and I will be stuck at home all day. Because we got married too late, the Air Force is not paying for my plane ticket or to move me so we have to pay for this all on our own (in the vicinity of $3-5,000). This is money that we were not planning on having to spend and needless to say, we did not budget for it. We are now trying to figure out if we can afford a honeymoon from all this, a fact that makes me cry more just thinking about it. Since TLS has to find a house and move in by July 1, it means that he will have to pick out the house on his own and I will have no say in this whatsoever. This is our first house together. The place where I will be living for at least three years. And I don't have any control in this. Not fair! I'm scared that I'm going to get there, hate the place, be miserable, and this will just cause fights and create a rift between us.

I am really scared of these next three years and if we will be able to survive them and if I can be happy or not. I love TLS more than just about anything but if I'm not happy and we spend the next three years miserable and fighting, then we will not last. I am scared that I am making the wrong decision by moving and am starting to think that maybe staying in NYC for three more years would be the best thing for us.


  1. I know it sucks and it's a terrible situation, but these things have a way of working out. Don't think of it as being "phased out" of peoples lives - anyone worth truly having as a friend will be happy to go that extra mile to email frequently, make time for Skyping, etc. I'm in a long distance marriage and I've sacrificed a lot as well for my husband's career (like not living together, having never been in the same place for an anniversary, birthday, etc) but I know in the end, it will all be worth it (even if he also buys a crappy house i hate when we are eventually able to live together!). Have you considered starting a blog for just your friends/family so you can write about your life so they can continue to feel like they are part of your life by at least keeping up with your daily experiences?

  2. I would be so scared too! That is an honest and expected reaction to such a big change. Moving and marriage individually are stressful, but combined? I would be a constant mess if this were me. I wish I could tell you explicitly if you were making a mistake or not. However I can tell you that love isn't the only thing that will make this work. If you are feeling resentful or feel you are the only one giving something up, that will weigh heavy on your heart. Have you ever shared this with him? I would imagine it would be very hard to say, but maybe it will help?

    Sending you tissues for your tears and chocolate to make it better...

  3. Oh I wish I had advice for you! But I think those are all normal emotions and concerns. Maybe try to focus on having 3 years of fun and crazy adventures? Oh sure, there will be buckets of stress and homesickness. But there will also be a million inside jokes, loony situations, new foods, bunches of new friends from around the globe (to eventually visit over a lifetime), ugly carpet (just expect it and it will be funny sooner), getting lost and finding hidden gem locations and a million other new mini adventures. And you have Facebook! Three years is long but over a lifetime... Sending you blog hugs and haPpy thoughts.

  4. I have moved many times. What I think is important NOW,is to make a list of exactly what YOU must have in a house. A/C, 2 bathrooms, nice kitchen with dishwasher...whatever. And go over it with your man, so he feels an importance of what house he chooses. Don't be a pansy, step up to the plate now honey your the WIFE! And a new one at that. Set the rules of what your needs are. A women gets what she ASKS for. ASK for what you need. As a newly wed you must do it in the beginning. Your a preppy girl they fit in anywhere. And think of all the decorating fun you will have in your new house. If you start off your marriage complaining, then it will fall apart. This is what you wanted, marriage. Till death do us part, through good and bad. So get on with it and make it good.
    College girls all leave the nest. You married young, and are flying. One last thing, negative thoughts bring negative actions. Please start to be positive. That is the girl he married. No one likes a Preppy downer, or a pitty party patty. Your fears are over shadowing the good. Do postive affirmations. Read books, change your attitude!

  5. Whoever annonymous is, they got it RIGHT!! YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE!!! I know you're scared and all of that, it's normal, but focus on what's important -- the love and marriage you two share!! Staying in NY for 3 more years will just bring you further apart from your husband. So put on your big girl panties and be with the man you love!!

    The pity party about a honeymoon is silly, you'll be in a new country with so much to do and explore. You're a strong girl, now go prove it to yourself and the world!!! XOXO

  6. As some one who is prone to pity parties myself I understand. It's scary to be moving across the pond without the support of friends and family. Just think of it as an adventure....stay open minded and positive. Marriage is about give and take, good times and bad, for richer for poorer. It's how you weather these storms together that will help you both through the challenges ahead. Being best friends will go a long way too.
    There are many ways to stay in touch with friends. Three years away is not a prison sentence. Your friends will always be there. Just might take a bit of extra effort... but technology will help.
    Don't be so concerned with the first house. You won't be there forever. Have him take photos of places and email them to you for your input.
    As for a honeymoon... yes they are nice. I did not have one, couldn't afford it. We did a weekend trip to a great small city that we could drive to. You will be in Europe... why not take weekend trip to Paris or another great romantic city... Then plan a fabulous traditional honeymoon when you can afford it. It's about being together, not the materialistic trappings of getting married. If you are really dead set on a honeymoon, pare back the wedding. You don't need to buy a dress at Kleinfeld's, or spend ridiculous amounts of money on a wedding.
    Everything will work out. Just stay positive and keep the communication lines open.

  7. You've gotten some sage advice from comments already... but I have one pretty important thing to say.


    Maybe you have, and that is great. If not, this is absolutely something that you need to discuss together. Yes, you can reach out to girlfriends and blog friends for advice, but in terms of real-life planning and making the next 3 years of your life the life that you want, this MUST be discussed with your fiance, soon to be husband.

    Doubts and fears are only human, but if you're truly trying to build a partnership and a life with this man, he has to be a part of this.

  8. You have ever right to be scared -- change in any form is always scary. You just need to take a few deep breaths -- everything will work out! Just because you are moving does not mean you are going to phased out of your friend's lives -- that's what the Internet (hello, Skype!) is for. They will all still love you, and I'm sure they are proud of you for taking this big step. As for your house, don't worry about it -- I'm sure you'll dress it up in your own unique way. You are going to be with the man you love -- everything else will work out! I promise!

  9. I just sent you an email. I was in the EXACT situation. If it helps, you're not alone :)

  10. Marriage is hard in all aspects but it's wonderful as well. You're in the midst of some major life changes and it's normal to feel scared, negative and unsure. As the years go by we do lose some friends but we do make new ones and make new experiences. I think that if you talk it out and give it a try you may find it to be an exciting journey! Thinking of you and I hope that you feel good about whatever decision it is that you make.

  11. Oh girl, that's rough. I'm soooo sorry. I would give you advice, but it would be from my POV and that won't necessarily be what it's like for you. All I can say is, whatever decision you make, do everything you can do make the most of it, to be as happy as you can be, and to enjoy as much of wherever you are, no matter who you're with. You can't make the wrong choice if you do that.

  12. I have gone through the same thing, moving myself and our baby across the country to be there for my husband's job, and I'm not going to lie, it has been very hard and we are now doing everything we can to move back. There are other people I know who have done the same thing and just flourished, and you will do the same!

  13. Oh sweet girl, I want to give you a huge hug from Alabama right now. I haven't moved, but all of my friends have moved away or moved on lately. It's the hardest thing ever. Being with DH has made it possible for me to deal, but it was hard. Make sure you articulate your needs in a house - he can e-mail you pictures, details, and more to help it be a decision you BOTH make! That is huge. It's not the same as being there, but it will get you through.

    As for missing out on things..... start inviting friends to visit you. They've only got a few years of a free place to stay! They'll show up. I promise.

    Hugs and smiles! You can do this, and you will come through it as an amazing wife and an even better friend!

  14. i'm going to email you later tonight. chin up pretty girl!

  15. BFF Jill here...I moved towns every seven years, and houses every three years. (Apparently Senior and Senorita KMH just couldn't settle down).
    I moved away from a LOT of friends and I would make a bunch more and then move away from then and make more, ad infinitium.
    The thing that sustains the friendships is the commitment of either party to the other. I am still in touch (though more casually and infrequently as the years go by) with my BFFs from Kindergarten, 6th grade, 8th grade, high school, and college.
    Its not easy. You have to work hard, but I will say that with the advent of email, Facebook, Twitter, and smart phones making ALL of the above mobile, it is less of a challenge than it ever was.
    Plus who doesn't love a good old-fashioned hand written letter.
    I am not going to sugar coat this. you WILL lose touch with some people. You WILL have less contact with a lot of people. BUT you WILL make new friends and you WILL form new bonds with new exciting people, who can frankly support you a great deal better than the people you will lose contact with.
    Of course I'll always be here for you, so worst case we can Skype the hell out the next three years.
    Also - tell TLS you need at least one spare bedroom and call it the BFF JILL room 'cause I'm commin' to visit!

  16. I'm sorry you're going through this, friend! I totally understand your doubts and frustrations. I moved to Los Angeles to be with someone, and it was the absolute hardest thing I've ever done. I wish I could say I didn't regret it, but I am honestly not sure how I feel about the decision, and it happened almost 3 years ago. I miss my mom and dad more than I could ever express, and not being there for my friends is hard and staying in touch isn't as easy as you'd think. I try, but it hasn't been the same with any of my friends since I moved.

    You are giving up so much so it's natural to feel like this. Like some others have said, it's important that you talk with TLS about all of these feelings and doubts. Let him know what you are looking for and your expectations.

    But, I think that once you are together, you will not be miserable! Regardless of where you are living, which I'm sure will be a great place. Only you can decide what to do, but whatever you decide, it will be hard either way [unfortunately]. But hopefully the rewards are worth it!!

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts!!


  17. Oh girl, you're in my thoughts! This is a difficult time, and being a newlywed is always tough - especially in a new country/town. Talk to TLS - I've been married 15 years and I can tell you - honestly is always the best policy. You guys will work through this together, and come out stronger as a result of sharing. Hang in there. Remember, friends will come and go, but you'll snuggle up to TLS every night and that love will only grow with time. XOXO

  18. It is tough and scary to think that you will not be around people you know, but you have to just follow your heart and believe in the choice you are making. If you think it is the best thing for you in the long run everything else will workout. And don't thinking little things like paying for the move are a bad sign, you know how you feel about your relationship and that is what needs to come first.

    As for giving up a lot for him for this, I think you will see as the wife you will always give up more then he is just easier for us to adjust then for them:)

  19. I'm going through a scary time too. It is all career related but I understand how you feel. We both need to trust in the fact that everything will be okay in the end. You have to put up with the rain before you get to the rainbow. Good luck :)

  20. I'm going through a scary time too. It is all career related but I understand how you feel. We both need to trust in the fact that everything will be okay in the end. You have to put up with the rain before you get to the rainbow. Good luck :)

  21. All will be okay if you take one day at a time. Know that whatever happens, you will be okay!