Those of y'all who read my twitter, know that I have been crying a lot lately. While I hate to have to turn my blog and twitter into a constant stream of pity parties, there are some things that I have to get off my chest.
It seems that the closer we get to the move, the more and more depressed I get. I love TLS dearly and know that he is the man for me. But I am giving up a lot for him and am not happy about it. Last night I got an invitation for a sorority sister's baby shower. This is the first event I've been invited to that I have had to say no to because I'm moving. Despite the fact that I despise baby showers and generally prefer not to go to those anyways if possible, I sat in my bed and cried for a long time. This is the start of me being phased out of my friends' lives and missing things. I have been crying every night it seems and am not sleeping well because of it. I realize that there are many positive aspects to this move, but lately, all I can focus on is all of the negative stuff.
Plus, at the end of the day, he has a job, and I will be starting over completely new, not knowing how to drive, and I will be stuck at home all day. Because we got married too late, the Air Force is not paying for my plane ticket or to move me so we have to pay for this all on our own (in the vicinity of $3-5,000). This is money that we were not planning on having to spend and needless to say, we did not budget for it. We are now trying to figure out if we can afford a honeymoon from all this, a fact that makes me cry more just thinking about it. Since TLS has to find a house and move in by July 1, it means that he will have to pick out the house on his own and I will have no say in this whatsoever. This is our first house together. The place where I will be living for at least three years. And I don't have any control in this. Not fair! I'm scared that I'm going to get there, hate the place, be miserable, and this will just cause fights and create a rift between us.
I am really scared of these next three years and if we will be able to survive them and if I can be happy or not. I love TLS more than just about anything but if I'm not happy and we spend the next three years miserable and fighting, then we will not last. I am scared that I am making the wrong decision by moving and am starting to think that maybe staying in NYC for three more years would be the best thing for us.